Due to the continued civil unrest and heartbreaking events of the last year, reports confirmed this week that Santa Claus has declared a state of naughty-or-nice emergency. “For the love of Lifetime Christmas movies,” Claus stated. “The amount of people in immediate need of a reality check is beyond cray.” In order to accommodate the unprecedented amount of naughty citizens, North Pole officials announced the creation of a new, third list.
Here is Santa’s naughty AF list for 2015:
People who somehow managed *not* to learn all the words to “Watch Me Whip,” says Santa: "I live at the GD North Pole and can’t escape this song."
People who still believe that President Obama is a Muslim: "I wanted to leave you all monogrammed L.L. Bean sleeping bags under the tree, not copious amounts of factual research."
Facebook friends who post “repost if you agree” statuses: "These posts are the equivalent of the Sarah McLachlan abused puppy commercial, except your aunt from Cedar Rapids is Sarah in this scenario."
People who don’t proofread emails before sending them: "Know the difference between its and it’s. Don’t just guess when it comes to spelling accommodate and unprecedented. And really don’t just guess when it comes to telling everyone what Planned Parenthood does.'
Hoverboard owners over the age of 12
Interviewers who ask women “how to do you handle _____?” questions: "Fill-in-the-blank topics include being “heavy” in Hollywood and being a mom *and* having a career."
T-Swift Squad Haters: "You’re a bigger bowl of jelly than even my midsection is."
Donald Trump: "…you might require your own list altogether."
Speaking of naughty and nice, come laugh your jingle bells off at Twist Your Dickens, now playing at The Goodman Theater through December 27th!
Rachel LaForce (@raelaforce) is an actor, comedian and writer in Los Angeles. Click here to read more from The Second City.